If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize