I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
