o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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