You're a womanizer and a bitch.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
