I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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