He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
We had sex on a dog bed..
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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