I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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