Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
