I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
