I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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