the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
