that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
