so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
