The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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