Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
