i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
