She is in my trunk
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
