Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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