Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
