i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize