god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
this just has baby written all over it
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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