My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
