Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
