Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
