Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
