I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You pole danced in your parka.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
