if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
