you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize