Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Randomize
