Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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