So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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