I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
