A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
