So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I still have a little drunk in my system
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
