there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
