After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
You can't just leave with hair like that
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
