Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
