just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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