Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
