i just snorted my name. best moment ever
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
