i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
