Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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