just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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