So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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