you mean i was at the winter classic?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The power of my boobs compel you
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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