So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
