It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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