saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
