Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
