I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
