I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We were destined to go to rehab together
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
