dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
