I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I'm like, not good at living.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
