I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
