Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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