After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
honey bunches of taint.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Randomize
