you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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