we have pet lesbian snakes
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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