I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
