So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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