I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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