She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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