were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
